And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers....
Less than two weeks from now, this blog will be three years old. Three years of writing. Dozens of posts, hundreds of comments, thousands of views, and an untold number of emotions, thoughts and revelations later, I'm glad I took on this journey.
I've been thinking about this blog for quite a while now. A few weeks ago I told someone I wanted to shut it down. Close the chapter (more like the book) and move on to other things. Life in the real world especially. I have thought about whether to delete the posts, destroy the evidence (lol) and altogether move on. But then reading them just keeps me going. Reminds me of all the pain, the joy, the confusion, the heartache... everything I've gone through the last three years. Each post takes me back to a specific place, a specific emotion. Each post reminds me of the lessons life has taught me. The changes I have made, and even those I haven't managed to make.
I have grown, no doubt. I have improved in many areas, many ways, many things have changed for the better. In others, I have failed. Still in others, I have become weaker, more vulnerable, more.... inept. But such is life. We live, we learn.
Over the last three years, I've learnt to be more comfortable with myself. To love me, to appreciate who I am, warts and all. I have learnt that I can't always have it all, and that life will not always go my way. I have learnt that there will be good times, and that it is no sin to enjoy those. I've learnt that there will be hard times, and that they too, shall pass. I have learnt that life will be mean. I have learnt that in spite of that, it is good. I have learnt more than I can squeeze in one paragraph, but most of all, most importantly, I have learnt that God loves me, and all I have to do is do my part, and he will do his. Yes, he does exist. I know that, and you ain't doing nothing to change that.
One of the most prominent features of this blog the last three years has been my relationship with my parents. we all know how tumultous that has been. But over the last one year or so, things have changed. I have written here recently that my relationship with my dad is going so well I don't know how to deal with it. We've grown so close there are days I actually miss him sorely. He calls me, just to talk. And I call him, just to say hi. I text him more than I text many of my peers. And when I need guidance, I actually turn to him. Late in time? I don't care. The closeness we have now, and continue to build, has replaced all the pain, all the hurt, all the negativity, everything that I knew of him.
Granted, I know things might grow a bit strained if he gets to find out I'm gay. But I'm less worried about that now than I was a few months ago. I feel like I have enjoyed, over the last several months, a good relationship with the man I should have looked up to all my life. I'm contented. I'm happy, and thankful that I got to have him for a
Is this the end of the story? Is there any chapter after this page? I don't know. Maybe there'll be a sequel. Maybe I'll continue this book. Maybe I'll stop writing altogether. Maybe I'll turn more to the real world to rant, instead of you guys. Maybe... maybe.
I'm just happy with the way life is right now. I'm still single, but I've also learnt that I can, to some extent, be complete without another. I'm happy with other areas of my life too, other than my relationship with my parents. I've recently taken on a third job, one that gives me as much satisfaction as my second, if not more. And I was recently promoted at my first job. And I finish my masters soon. I'd have to be an ingrate not to be happy in that area.
I'm happy. I'm at peace. I'm content. That is all I need to know.