Three!!!

Today, this blog turns three. There will be no fanfare. No popping open the champagne, no. Just a short post to say I won't stop writing just yet. Granted, the mood has changed. Yes, I'm much happier now and things are beginning to fall into place. At some points of this journey, I've considered stopping as life has improved over the years. But as I saw chez City Buoy, sadness is not all I should write about. It is not all I am. I'm now more inclined to happiness, contentment, and a sense of peace in what my lot has been in this life. 

Will that be the general direction this blog will take? I don't know. Who knows, I might be back here tomorrow with a classic Random rant or outpouring. I might also be here celebrating new things in this life. All I know is that as long as I still can, I will continue to write what I've learnt, and how my experiences have impacted me. I hope they bless you.

And thank you. Yes, thank YOU. When I started out three years ago, I had no idea where this would end up, or how wide its impact would spread. I know on these streets 55k is a small number, but I never expected to have that many views. It feels like my life is spread out for all to see, and yet at the same time, I feel like you have all become a part of that family I share my life with. I appreciate that. If I could write all the languages from Alaska to Wellington, I'd just say thank you in each. 

Here's on to another year, and wherever it shall lead.

Sunday Ramblings: Malachi 4:6

And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers....

Less than two weeks from now, this blog will be three years old. Three years of writing. Dozens of posts, hundreds of comments, thousands of views, and an untold number of emotions, thoughts and revelations later, I'm glad I took on this journey.

I've been thinking about this blog for quite a while now. A few weeks ago I told someone I wanted to shut it down. Close the chapter (more like the book) and move on to other things. Life in the real world especially. I have thought about whether to delete the posts, destroy the evidence (lol) and altogether move on. But then reading them just keeps me going. Reminds me of all the pain, the joy, the confusion, the heartache... everything I've gone through the last three years. Each post takes me back to a specific place, a specific emotion. Each post reminds me of the lessons life has taught me. The changes I have made, and even those I haven't managed to make.

I have grown, no doubt. I have improved in many areas, many ways, many things have changed for the better. In others, I have failed. Still in others, I have become weaker, more vulnerable, more.... inept. But such is life. We live, we learn.

Over the last three years, I've learnt to be more comfortable with myself. To love me, to appreciate who I am, warts and all. I have learnt that I can't always have it all, and that life will not always go my way. I have learnt that there will be good times, and that it is no sin to enjoy those. I've learnt that there will be hard times, and that they too, shall pass. I have learnt that life will be mean. I have learnt that in spite of that, it is good. I have learnt more than I can squeeze in one paragraph, but most of all, most importantly, I have learnt that God loves me, and all I have to do is do my part, and he will do his. Yes, he does exist. I know that, and you ain't doing nothing to change that.

One of the most prominent features of this blog the last three years has been my relationship with my parents. we all know how tumultous that has been. But over the last one year or so, things have changed. I have written here recently that my relationship with my dad is going so well I don't know how to deal with it. We've grown so close there are days I actually miss him sorely. He calls me, just to talk. And I call him, just to say hi. I text him more than I text many of my peers. And when I need guidance, I actually turn to him. Late in time? I don't care. The closeness we have now, and continue to build, has replaced all the pain, all the hurt, all the negativity, everything that I knew of him. 

Granted, I know things might grow a bit strained if he gets to find out I'm gay. But I'm less worried about that now than I was a few months ago. I feel like I have enjoyed, over the last several months, a good relationship with the man I should have looked up to all my life. I'm contented. I'm happy, and thankful that I got to have him for a father dad. I have many good friends. Many close friends. Two BFFs, and one best friend. I still have one best friend, but instead of it being just my mum, it's now my mum and dad. They are my best friend. Singular.

Is this the end of the story? Is there any chapter after this page? I don't know. Maybe there'll be a sequel. Maybe I'll continue this book. Maybe I'll stop writing altogether. Maybe I'll turn more to the real world to rant, instead of you guys. Maybe... maybe.

I'm just happy with the way life is right now. I'm still single, but I've also learnt that I can, to some extent, be complete without another. I'm happy with other areas of my life too, other than my relationship with my parents. I've recently taken on a third job, one that gives me as much satisfaction as my second, if not more. And I was recently promoted at my first job. And I finish my masters soon. I'd have to be an ingrate not to be happy in that area.

I'm happy. I'm at peace. I'm content. That is all I need to know.

Dear You...

Been a while. Longer than I'd have liked.

Why am I writing you a letter here? Because I have more than just a feeling that you'll find it. See... I know you're bright. You're an expert at solving puzzles. And I know you probably solved this puzzle a long while ago. So let's start with that one. I'm sorry I hadn't told you about this yet. No, I didn't expect it to stay hidden for ever. It's on the internet for crying out loud. And yes, I was planning on owning up sooner than later, but, as you know, we haven't talked much in recent weeks. You've probably read all the posts, or not. But if you have questions, I have nothing to hide, and I will answer them.

The blog aside, I'm sure you know it's not the only reason I'm writing. Truth be told, I'm not even too sure I should be writing. But in all honesty, I'm worried. I just hope you're okay, and that this phase will pass soon. I want you to remember that no matter what, I'm here for you. When you're ready, you know just how to find me.

We do have a lot to catch up on, and you still owe me some music...

Love,

Me.

Ps. I don't think that heart to heart is such a bad idea.

Sunday Ramblings... or Not

You know those days when you really want to write, and even know what you want to write about, but have no idea how to write it, or even if you should write it at all?

Yea. That's where I am. It's a painful catharsis. One from which there seems to be no relief. So I'll just go to bed and hug my pillow and dream about ponies and unicorns.

Solace

He put his hand on me. Lightly on my shoulder at first, then slid it along my upper arm, to my elbow, where it was bent. He slipped his hand below my arm, and it rested on my chest, just short of my nipples. He paused. As if to confirm whether what he was doing was okay. My chest began to hurt from holding my breath too long - tense from all that was going on. I heaved a sigh, then took a deep breath, using the opportunity to adjust myself for comfort. Letting him know holding me was okay.

My right hand found his left hand. They clasped. Clenched for a bit, then eased. I imagine if there had been anyone watching, they wouldn't need to be told that these two had no idea what they were doing. It was obvious it wasn't the first time they were with a guy, but it was clear they didn't know what to do with each other.

"Come closer." He whispered.

I complied. I could feel his breath on my nape. His heartbeat against my back gave me such warm fuzzy feelings. I smiled to myself, a smile I knew no one would see in the dark room. He must have felt it though, because just then, he rubbed my fingers ever so lightly. Just the way I like them rubbed. And then he pulled me even closer to himself.

"Random," He said, with a slight crack in his voice. "Turn around."

I hesitated. I wasn't sure I liked where this would lead. And I stayed put. Frozen.

"I'm tired of looking at your back."

He had to go there. I let go of his hand as I propped myself up for the turn. The bed creaking as I did. It was a chilly night. A slight drizzle outside. I had to pull on the covers to make sure they stayed in place to keep us warm. And finally I was in place. My eyes looking into his in the dim light let in by the drapes.

"I want to kiss you, but I'm scared."

The blood rushed from my face. I was even more scared than he was. This was what I wanted. The company... the cuddling... the warmth. I needed to feel the warmth and comfort of someone around me. But certainly not from my ex.

I put the phone down, and abandoned the idea of calling him as I let my reverie go with the rain.