A few weeks ago, I posted the lyrics from a song - Would it matter, by one of my favourite bands, skillet. At the time, I felt like one unappreciated son of a gun. Nothing was going my way, and even when I bent over backwards to keep those around me happy, I felt like there was no difference made in their lives. I just felt like dead or alive, there would be little difference.
I wasn't planning suicide or anything like that. No, that chapter is long closed. One attempt is all I could ever be capable of. Yes, I've just said it. I tried to commit suicide once. Started the process, and decided just before the point of no return (all I needed to do was hold my breath a little longer) that I had more to offer this world alive than dead.
On the contrary, when I wrote Would it Matter, I just felt like a random stone in the tarmac. Insignificant. Far from spectacular. One whose absence would not be felt so much if it was eroded by the waves of time, except maybe for the fact that it would grow into a large pot hole with time. And yet even the pot hole for me at the time seemed like I was being too optimistic.
Of late though, I have had the opportunity to think a lot about life. I have been placed in conditions where I have found myself thinking, what would life be like after death? Wait, that was a dumb question, but I'm sure you get my drift. I have asked myself many questions around this subject, down to if I would even want this blog to continue existing after I died. Ultimately, the question came up whether I was ready to die.
Truth be told, I am not. I know that when I die, it is over. The end. Blackness until kingdom come, and there is nothing I can do about what goes on on earth. But am I ready to be away from what I have known all my life? From my friends, this world, the things that I have, and the emotions I have felt? I'm not. I still want to be here. Like many escapists would say, I'm too young to die. There is a lot I haven't achieved yet.
I won't even go into the details of whether I would prefer a quick death (I doubt there is such a thing) or a slow one that gives me the chance to say and do a few things knowing that my time is up... All I know is that I'm not ready. I still want to be here, and while I am, I want to live, and live in full.
I wasn't planning suicide or anything like that. No, that chapter is long closed. One attempt is all I could ever be capable of. Yes, I've just said it. I tried to commit suicide once. Started the process, and decided just before the point of no return (all I needed to do was hold my breath a little longer) that I had more to offer this world alive than dead.
On the contrary, when I wrote Would it Matter, I just felt like a random stone in the tarmac. Insignificant. Far from spectacular. One whose absence would not be felt so much if it was eroded by the waves of time, except maybe for the fact that it would grow into a large pot hole with time. And yet even the pot hole for me at the time seemed like I was being too optimistic.
Of late though, I have had the opportunity to think a lot about life. I have been placed in conditions where I have found myself thinking, what would life be like after death? Wait, that was a dumb question, but I'm sure you get my drift. I have asked myself many questions around this subject, down to if I would even want this blog to continue existing after I died. Ultimately, the question came up whether I was ready to die.
Truth be told, I am not. I know that when I die, it is over. The end. Blackness until kingdom come, and there is nothing I can do about what goes on on earth. But am I ready to be away from what I have known all my life? From my friends, this world, the things that I have, and the emotions I have felt? I'm not. I still want to be here. Like many escapists would say, I'm too young to die. There is a lot I haven't achieved yet.
I won't even go into the details of whether I would prefer a quick death (I doubt there is such a thing) or a slow one that gives me the chance to say and do a few things knowing that my time is up... All I know is that I'm not ready. I still want to be here, and while I am, I want to live, and live in full.
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