Sunday Ramblings: The One That Got Away

Dear Martin,

I don't know if I should be writing this letter to you. Especially here, considering I am almost sure you'll see it within minutes of me clicking 'publish post'. I've had a shitty month as you probably know. Been busy as hell, and you also know that this is the month within which I ended my last relationship. There's also lots of things that's been going on, especially in the last few days. Things which made me go to church this morning to ask God why I ended up gay AND with this family.

Don't worry, I haven't been outed again, and I didn't out myself or come out. Nah, the wood making this closet is hardwood. Yea, I sorta switched from glass when my family made it clear they had high hopes for me. Oh by the way, did I tell you I told my folks about Pretty and I? I did so yesterday. Dunno how I forgot to tell you that bit. I just did it casually over lunch, just after they asked when they would next see her. At least that closet is now broken, and I'm out of it. No more lying about that bit.

Again, I digress. I was talking about my lousy month. When you told me a few days that you thought we should just be friends, I knew it was the right thing to do. And I told you so. It was for the better. Yes, I like you, a lot. But it wouldn't be practical, and it is too soon after my last relationship. It hurt at first when I realised there was little chance of us ending up together, but then my brain kicked in and regained control, showing me that it was for the better. And I convinced myself I had a good friend in you.

When you told me today you had found someone else, I didn't know how to react. Part of me was happy for you, part of me loathed you, and another part was just confused. Most of me, however, was jealous. Now, I need you to understand this. I never get jealous. I usually just look around, shrug and move on. This time though, it was hard. I felt the pain, the loneliness, the hurt. I did not feel betrayed, no. Not even heartbroken, but I felt something. Whatever it was, it was strange to me.

This evening I took a walk - I needed to process all that was going on. My situation at home, my career progress, and my feelings for you. This letter is to you, so I will not bother you with what I decided about home. You, however, are a lifesaver. In the last paragraph I said I felt pain, loneliness and hurt, but not heartbroken. I did not feel like you had betrayed me, I did not feel like you had let me down, or played me. At some point I felt like I had a right to be Adele, but I couldn't bring myself to feel that way. Not about you. You are special to me and to those around you.

I want you to know that I am happy for you. Very happy for you. I might still like you (I still do, why lie?), but I know that you are happy, and that makes me happy. I might need some time to move on fully, but don't worry about me, I will move on, and I will still be your friend. I consider you a close friend, a very close friend. I'd love for it to stay that way. I will, however, understand if you are unable to text me late in the night....

It's sad we didn't date, but in my experience, the ones you don't date are the ones you're always glad you didn't date.

I love you. This is the first time I'm saying those words to you, and I say them in a way I say it to only three other people in my life. My BFFs.

Text me soon,

Random.